In Buddhist teachings the term ‘emotions’ always appears with an inseparable adjective – ‘disturbing’, as if the very nature of emotions was to disturb us.
We do enjoy these emotional roller-coaster rides sometimes; other times we are just so used to them we can’t experience our lives without them. Up and down we go, what is life without drama, but a mere oasis of tranquility.
I’ve been practicing Tibetan Buddhism for over a decade now. I didn’t escape society and hid in a faraway cave or monastery in search of nature of mind and freedom from disturbing emotions, instead I pursued a life of an immigrant, one full of challenges and hence, a great source of disturbing emotions of all sorts.
I was equipped with meditation techniques and thorough explanations of the way things are from the enlightened perspective, as a reference. According to these explanations, disturbing emotions are to be transformed into wisdom based on a premise that emotions are essentially just energy. This source of energy can either hurt us or nurture us exactly the same way as any other source of energy one can think of, from nuclear to electrical, to wind, water or sunlight.
This ancient wisdom has been scientifically proven nowadays and thanks to the late David Hawkins, MD, Ph.D., the author of Power vs. Force, we now have the evidence that emotions carry measurable energy.
It is not a surprise to anyone now that this energy is contagious. This phenomenon known as emotional contagion is widely known and researched in modern psychology. A broader definition of it suggested by Gerald Schoenewolf, Ph.D. defines emotional contagion as:
"A process in which a person or group influences the emotions or behavior of another person or group through the conscious or unconscious induction of emotion states and behavioral attitudes".
We are all influencers, whether we know it or not but also, whether we want it or not.
What type of emotional influence do you have on your surroundings?
How often is it a result of your conscious choice? Well, not very often we can all admit it. Most of our emotions arise automatically in response to our real or imaginary environment. We react to everything and it happens fast.
Inside of your body the autonomic and hormonal systems instantaneously change your heart rate, the size of your blood vessels, your breathing pattern, the level of adrenaline and cortisol in your bloodstream. You’re feeling anxious or annoyed and so is your child thanks to omnipresent emotional contagion.
Then, of course, the time comes when it is your child who responds emotionally to some unwanted event, whether you took away its favorite toy or game or the playtime is over and it’s time to go to bed or do homework, you know it all. As the emotional contagion is omnipresent, at some point, sooner or later your child’s reaction gets on your nerves. It is completely natural and happens to everyone, it has its purpose.
Essentially your child’s cry is intended by nature to shake up your nervous system, to wake you up and make you restless until its needs are fulfilled, until you feed it, hold it, caress it. You are wired to respond emotionally to your child’s distress the moment it is born. You act, you feed, you cuddle and the storm is over, the heart rates slow down, the breathing is slow and deep and everyone is calm and happy again.
The tricky part starts when your child’s emotional reaction is a response to an aforementioned unwanted yet unavoidable event and you can’t simply calm the situation by pleasing him or her. Instead you must carry out your will. Emotional contagion is not your best friend at that time. It’s crucial to notice the moment when your child’s emotional reaction becomes your emotional reaction. This is the time for you to be the emotionally agile leader and have a positive emotional influence.
The most positive influence in the situation of turmoil and disturbance has the most subtle form. It starts inside of you; with your regular steady heart rate, your blood circulating with regular speed, your breathing deep and slow and the tone of your voice exactly the same as if you were reading a book out loud. Despite raging emotions all around you, you are the eye inside of a cyclone. Maintain your cool for long enough and the worst drama around you will die down sooner or later.
There’s no need to be a zen master to do that but yes, any practice of meditation and breathing techniques will give you a huge advantage. Regardless of that, the very first thing to do in the face of emotional breakdown is to pause. Just pause for a second.
Then, with your mouth closed, take a deep inhale through your nose. Feel the air tingling the tip of your nose and the nostrils opening up wide to let it all in, the air passing by your sinuses then filling up your lungs all the way down to your belly button. Once it has reached the belly button let the air out. Do it gently and slowly as if the air inside you was an ephemeral cloud that softly exits your body through your nose. You can also exhale through your mouth with a clear sound of relief.
At the same time realize that everything around you is perfectly fine, scan the reality and notice that you are safe and so is your child. There is no need for any fight or flight response because nobody is in any danger. This firm conviction in your mind will automatically affect your amygdala, the part of your brain responsible for initiating stress response and your nervous system will remain undisturbed. The deeper and truer your conviction is the quicker the storm around you will calm down thanks again to the omnipresent emotional contagion.
Once you can control the chaos, at least within yourself, your influence on your child can be much more intentional. Knowing that your emotions are contagious and your child is constantly learning how to respond to the world around it, you can help it develop the most useful emotional responses through the process of emotional conditioning. Emotional conditioning, just like emotional contagion, is omnipresent and takes place whether you’re aware of it or not. It is your emotional reaction to every experience you go through together with your child that forms your child’s emotional reaction to the same experience. If you’re experiencing fear while plunging your child underwater for the first time - so will it, if you’re excited about it – so will be it.
Every little step forward into the unknown territory, whether it is a deep water or any other challenge in life, automatically evokes a little anxiety. It is unfamiliar and you’re not sure about the outcome, it is absolutely natural to feel a little insecure at first. Whenever your child starts showing signs of stress and nervousness you will first notice your own breath and take a deep soft inhale through your nose, as described above. You will assess the situation and reassure yourself that everything is perfectly fine. Your strong conviction and slow, deep breathing will stabilize your nervous system. It is only from this position you can calm your child down.
Throughout the process of learning how to swim, as much as throughout life, we will run into countless threats, dares and trials. It is your emotional response to these obstacles that will shape and define your child’s response to them now and in the future. Our goal here is to equip your child with a positive emotional response to any challenge.
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